Sadness

Where do I even start? I am hoping that by writing this entry I can begin to accept and move on. Erich and I have lost a child. I would have been 12 weeks on Tuesday and the actual miscarriage happened this week. We have known that I would miscarry for about 2 weeks and needless to say it has been an emotional time for us. The baby was a boy, I'm sure, because I had about 3 dreams about him. I named him Kellen Daniel, although I did not get approval from dad :) He was going to look more like me . . .finally a baby that looks like me. . .with dark hair and dark eyes. It is amazing how from the moment I had a positive pregnancy test I embraced that life and dreamed of the life he would have and how he would be so loved by our little family. I wanted to wait to tell people the happy news because I wanted to make sure everything was okay . . .now that it's not I don't want to hide it because I don't want to minimize his life. He was our child and he will forever be remembered by us. I'm just sorry that we weren't able to meet him, hug him, kiss him, and love him.

It has been a difficult couple of weeks but it has also helped me appreciate all that I have. I have two beautiful, happy, and healthy kids that bring me joy every single day. I have a wonderful husband who has loved me and supported me just as I've needed even though he is hurting too. I have the wonderful support and love from family and friends. Darby has been amazing through this whole thing. She was really looking forward to a new sibling. . .she wanted a baby girl named Ella :) But even though she must feel some sense of loss too, she has given me hugs when I needed them, kisses and I love yous at all the right times. Trevor was not as aware but has been more loving and needy than usual . . .so he must sense our grief.

I have logged on to a couple of support websites and they address their children that have miscarried as angels. So here is to my Angel, baby boy Hannan, expected due date 9/23/08, with us for 11 weeks, to be loved forever.